The Single Era Diaries is Back for Season Two

Here's the transcript from episode two - Couple to co-parents

From Couple to Coparents Listen & subscribe to the full episode on Spotify.

Welcome back to The Single Era Diaries. In this episode I really wanted to dive into a topic that I reckon is on the hearts & minds of many newly single people who also happen to be parents! And that’s the journey of going from being part of a committed couple, maybe married, maybe not to becoming co-parents.

Those of you who have followed my own journey both on the pod and on socials, will know that back in March this year I had shared the news that my ex and I were pulling a Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to shift from being a super long relationship, of almost 16 years to consciously uncouple and become co parents to our daughter. That’s what was in the original script and plan, and again those who have been following the journey so far, will know the slight plot twist where I learned that my ex had been sleeping with some other women prior to us fully separating. Less said about that the better! 

But that aside, what I wanted to get into is just how challenging it can be to adapt to that change in family life and how the uncoupling / individuation process can, at least for me and maybe for you too, feel all the more challenging by the fact that when you share children with someone, it’s not possible (in the most part) to just go no contact and to block that person out of your life, in order for you to heal. 

And so much of the dating and relationships rhetoric that is out there online, serves this really harsh messaging around how to respond when a relationship ends. A lot of what I have seen speaks to a notion of never speaking to the person that you’re splittin from again. And believe me whilst there have been many, many occasions over the course of this summer where the post separation was really difficult, particularly when I found out about the plot twist, where I wished I could have just blocked my ex's number and caught a flight out to an Ashram in India. 

The truth is that was simply not possible, because when you have children, unless the split is due to something awful like domestic violence or substance abuse, or criminal activities, then in an ideal world, you’re going to have to maintain the dynamic of contact and communication in some capacity, even after you have separated. 

When my ex and I were really acknowledging the issues on our relationship from the latter part of 2022, through to exploring where our relationship was heading or not heading at the beginning of this year. There was a huge acceptance of the fact that he and I had been going in different directions, pretty much for the whole time we had been together. But critically over the past few years of being parents, we were not on the same page with a whole host of really important things and life decisions. Yet, at the same time, as I am sure so many of you will relate if you too are a parent, we were super committed to making our family work. 

So by the time the decision had been reached that coparenting and separating was what we were going to do. We really had an idea in our minds of what that was going to look like. The real test and challenge for me was finding out about the plot twist and not allowing that to derail the plan we had made to co-parent to remain as friends. 

Because let me tell you a break of trust, coupled with the end of a relationship, is quite the test of your spirit. But here’s the thing, and pretty much every parent will know this only too well. When you’re a parent, it’s not just about you. There is a small human or humans involved in this relationship breakdown, who have no agency over the situation, depending on their age, will lack the understanding and maturity to handle the situation and critically, this change to their family is not of their choosing. And so it’s your job and responsibility as the parent, to make the transition to a new version of family, as smooth and pain free as possible. 

The challenges of co-parenting. 

The challenge is managing your own emotions and how you might feel about your ex, which could be thoroughly exasperated, it could be hurt, let down, disappointed and there’s the whole sense of grief as well. I mean even if the split is something that you wanted, there will likely be a sense of grief about the ending. We as humans are not always great with change or endings. 

You only have to look at Kim Kardashian’s journey to co parenting post split and subsequent divorce with Kanye, where she even admitted that "Co-parenting is really f---ing hard."

And their split much like anyone else in a high profile relationship is being played out so publicly. But to some extent, we’re all playing out our lives publicly, no matter how small our goldfish bowl and microcosm of our life might be, we don't exist in a vacuum and people around us have an insight into what’s going on. 

I really echoed Kim Kardashians sentiment of protecting my daughter from the full extent of what was happening in my separation, because obviously her knowing the details surrounding his being unfaithful and lying about it, is not something for a child to know about or carry. And as Kim said in an interview, "If they don't know things that are being said, why would I ever bring that energy to them? That is real, heavy, grownup shit--- that they are not ready to deal with,"

And personally, recalling my own experience as a child with parents who separated. My parents separated twice before getting back together and being together ever since. A lot of very heavy, adult shit was placed on me throughout that period in the mid to late 90’s and I don’t think that I will ever get over what I was experiencing and exposed to. I was enormously parentified and had to grow up very quickly in order to somehow process some really awful episodes of domestic violence, emotional and physical abuse. And those things coupled with the parentification that I endured, stay with you forever. No matter how much therapy. 

So I really, along with my ex, really sought out examples and role models of how we could separate as well as possible and co-parent as well as possible and become a new family dynamic. 

And that’s really what my summer has been about and has been focused on and continues to focus on. So that my daughter's view of the world is one that is not permanently damaged by how her father and I behave towards each other. 

So I wanted to break down some of the more common co-parenting challenges that you could be facing in your co-parenting single era and explore some solutions. Cause dammit I am all about the solutions. 

Co Parenting challenge one

A problem that many of us, I’m sure can relate to: those tense moments during pick-up and drop-off times. It can be incredibly difficult when you and your ex can't interact without exchanging passive aggressive comments (that’s definitely me) or, worse, a fight breaking out.

This challenge can make the co-parenting journey even more complicated. But it's essential to find ways to navigate these situations and prioritize the well-being of your children.

One approach and this is really what worked for my ex and I, is to establish clear boundaries and guidelines for these interactions. For a time we met in neutral meeting places with our daughter and did handovers at our health club, rather than my home, which helped especially in that early post plot twist period. But it can help, it helps to get the dynamic on a better footing where you’re not acting out on your emotions, due to being in your home environment.  

I think it’s valuable to remember, you are not alone in facing this challenge. Many co-parents have found ways to improve these interactions over time. It's all about finding what works best for your unique situation and adapting and evolving that over time. 

Co Parenting challenge two

So managing anger and building a healthy relationship is a big one. And definitely for me and anyone else who didn’t have healthy examples growing up of how to manage anger in relationships and that was certainly the case for my childhood home environment, navigating anger and emotions in a way that isn’t volatile is something that you have to put the time into learning. 

It's not uncommon to become emotionally entangled with your co-parent, especially when you have been in a relationship for a long time and as part of that, anger can linger. But This emotional attachment can hinder your progress in creating a new life post-divorce or separation. And that's really such a challenge, because the lines can feel like they’re blurred between your former life in a relationship and your new life as co parents. 

And holding onto resentment, yearning for your old life, or being angry about missed opportunities can keep you emotionally tied to your ex. A successful co-parenting relationship involves breaking that emotional bond that can become toxic. And in doing so, it allows you to concentrate on being present in your current interactions as co-parents not a couple. 

Co-parenting challenge three - Aligning parenting styles when you’re no longer in the same household 

Another common issue in co-parenting: constant criticism of each other's parenting styles, whether it's about discipline, bedtime routines, or household rules. 

I feel with this issue, extraordinarily lucky that my ex and I are largely, largely on the same page when it comes to parenting styles. But that’s not the case for everyone. 

And the solution really is for divorced or separated co-parents to find common ground when it comes to parenting strategies. This alignment not only makes life easier for both of you but also provides stability for your children. It’s really vital they have continuity between homes and remove as much, where possible, ambiguity and confusion about what’s right and acceptable behaviour from one parent to another. 

And crucially, this is certainly what I’ve found. The consistency builds trust between co-parents, and it's more likely that your ex will uphold their end of the agreement when they see your commitment to parent in alignment with what you have agreed together.

If you don't have a plan in place or find it challenging to create one, remember this golden rule: Unless there's actual abuse or neglect, what happens in your ex's household is not your concern, and vice versa. Resist the urge to offer unsolicited advice and politely but firmly decline any advice that comes your way.

Another key rule is to avoid involving your children in conflicts. This happened to me all the time as a kid and it was awful and I to this day don’t have the sort of relationship I would ideally have with my parents, as a result of this and other things too of course. 

But regardless of your feelings towards your ex, respecting their right to parenting time is really vital to the success of coparenting. 

Ultimately, aligning parenting styles and respecting each other's parenting choices is vital for a harmonious co-parenting journey. Remember, it's all about creating a stable and nurturing environment for your children.

Co Parenting challenge four - learning how to parent alone 

This for me has been probably the biggest challenge of the whole switch to becoming co-parents rather than partners. And if you’re like me, in that your ex was very hands-on in the parenting, then shifting from that where you’re a couple to being on your own, can just feel so enormous. 

The journey of learning to parent alone while living in separate households.

Separation can be emotionally challenging for both parents and children. Suddenly, you find yourself navigating parenthood on your own, like your partner, husband, whoever has moved out of your home or you have moved and so you now spend the majority or half of your time parenting without the support and partnership you once had. And this transition can be really overwhelming.

Dealing with your own emotions while adjusting to solo parenting can be tough. It's normal to feel a range of emotions, from sadness to anger to loneliness. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you process these feelings in a healthy way.

Consistency becomes vital during this time. Children thrive on routines and stability. Collaborate with your ex-partner to create consistent rules and expectations between households. This helps provide a sense of security for your children.

Don't forget the importance of self-care. Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally allows you to be a better parent. Remember the old saying, "You can't pour from an empty cup."

In the end, learning to parent alone after separation, while living in separate households, is undoubtedly a significant challenge. But with effective communication, consistency, emotional support, and self-care, you can navigate this journey and provide a stable and loving environment for your children

Ends.